De-fib
by Minne-My
Summary: Edward is being a dickhead again. Cue the electric shock


Edward Campbell was a first-class idiot. He was unable to see it for himself but facts were facts. Only a first-class idiot could electrocute himself on defibrillator pads. And this time he wasn't drunk. Which would have made sense. No, Edward Campbell was a jealous bastard. He wanted his wife's attention while he was shagging other women behind her back. She'd became his ex-wife and he still wanted her attention. Getting a locum slot back at Holby was a great idea, or so it seemed. Because then he could rile her up again, grab her attention once more.

He hadn't reckoned on meeting his match.

Major Berenice Wolfe could outrank him any day, she was one jealous puppy around the woman he used to be married to. When she strode in and found him in Serena's office annoying the hell out of her, she wasted no time in cutting him down to size and making him leave.

'She'd be attractive if she wasn't such a massive bitch' he muttered to the nearest man he could find. Raf raised his eyebrows and told him that the Major knew 13 different ways to kill with her bare hands.

'So make sure you don't get on the wrong side of her' he added.

Edward sneered at the retreating figure.

'Load of cobblers.'

He tried to engage Ms Wolfe in a slanging match every time he met her but he'd found it hard to get one up on her and Serena was no help. She relished each of his losses which he knew she would but what puzzled him was her attachment to Bernie. A few times he saw her friendly arm or back rub linger, fingers stroking right where the hem met the skin. He knew she was tactile but not normally as much as that at work. And Bernie would stop snarling back at him and smile at Serena. Altogether it was an odd setup. He wasn't sure he felt comfortable with it. Bernie was immune to his charms and that annoyed him. She had a strangely angular attractiveness with legs up to here *cue gesture* but she was sour towards him. And she and Serena spent a lot of time in their office with the blinds drawn.

'Don't worry about him. He'll do something stupid and hopefully be fired or transferred elsewhere. I'm not idiotic enough to fall for his charms a second time around.'

_How did you even manage it the first time round? _Bernie wanted to ask but didn't. Now that she'd met the potato faced pillock, she was starting to doubt Serena's judgement.

'I was young, give me a break. It's a mistake I'll always be paying dearly for' Serena pouted. 'Now take me out to dinner like you promised and we can forget about him.'

Never dangle the prospect of an Italian meal with an extensive wine list in front of Serena, she'd learned the hard way. Serena would leap on the offer like a shark. Edward had taken her for a curry when they'd first met. He'd thrown up soon after which was a common problem in their relationship, even on their wedding day. Serena had hated curry ever since and as Bernie wasn't fond of it either, had made it her business to pick restaurants well.

Edward was incensed every time he saw them leave together, drive off together, arrive together. When they were on shift together, they seemed far too chummy. The operating theatre glowed with a odd atmosphere, he could almost swear that they were flirting over the exposed entrails. Serena didn't even notice him except to address him when needed and nothing more. It was like his presence was like water off her back. He watched her around the ward with suspicion.

'She's got a new man!' he exclaimed one day. Bernie raised her eyebrows and gave him a look he couldn't identify. It annoyed him. He looked back at Serena.

'That's why she's swanning around ignoring me.'

'Actually she's swanning around and ignoring you because you're a potato faced pillock' Bernie heard herself saying. There was a pause, punctuated Raf and Fletch's shocked sniggers, then Edward turned around with an absent-minded expression.

'What?'

He hadn't heard.

'Nothing.' She walked away.

He spent the rest of the day trying to figure out who it was.

'It's that lanky Swedish bastard isn't it?'

'Shut up Edward. If Hanssen hears that you called him that, you'll be out of a job in a minute.'

Still he persisted.

'Gone for a younger bloke have you? That Scottish guy.'

'Bye, Edward.' She swanned off to join Bernie for a coffee.

'Don't think I don't know it's Ric' he warned her.

'You don't know anything' she told him. 'Lost your mojo already? No nurses willing to take you up on your kind offer of a lemonade and a shag in the on-call room? You've lost your touch.'

She left him simmering with rage. As it happened, he hadn't found anyone to take up with but that was besides the point.

Even fucking worse was when he found out who Serena was really seeing. They were locking lips in their office when he walked in, big giveaway. He stared in shock. His-ex wife looked very attractive in the arms of another woman but annoyingly the other woman was Bernie Wolfe. Of all the women in the world…

'What the hell?' He exclaimed.

'Is it an emergency, Edward?'

'Erm. No.'

'Then you can't hang around in my office all day. Get out.'

Their laughter escorted him out of the ward. He returned after lunch simmering with irritation, primed for attack.

'You've gone through all the men at Holby so you're starting on the women now? Midlife crisis has never looked so pathetic.'

'Then you must have struck midlife crisis 20 years too early' she replied.

'I hope breaking your workplace relationship rule was worth it' he hissed at her, not able to hit her with anything else. Her breezy smile annoyed him.

'It certainly was' she retorted. 'Which girlfriend are you on now?'

Bernie's smug face materialising over Serena's shoulder didn't help his temper. It followed him through to the next encounter he had with her at the start of a routine operation.

'Serena will get bored of this phase of hers and go back to what she knows' he taunted her.

'She knows a hell of a lot already. She probably knows more than you do at this point. She certainly has an aptitude' said Bernie complacently. There was a faint smile hovering around her mouth though her gaze was cool.

'Don't get too cocky' he warned her. 'Or…'

'Get over it!' Bernie's shout wiped the smile off his face.

'I'm fed up of you. You really are a pathetic little man. You threw your chance away with her a long time ago. Leave her alone.'

Bernie's thunderous expression shut him up for only a minute.

'Bitch' he mumbled.

'Sorry, what?' She turned back to him again.

'Bitch!'

He clapped the defibrillator pads together in frustration and spoke no more as his body involuntarily rocketed backwards.

'Oh for goodness sakes! Can we get someone else in here, a somewhat competent anaesthetist? He's just electrocuted himself.'

In the end, Ric did the operation while Bernie had to resuscitate the idiot.

'I. Had. A. Patient, you inconsiderate dipshit' she told him through gritted teeth.

Having heard about the ruckus, Serena looked in on him later. She wandered into the office to question his saviour who was busy popping a stick of nicotine gum.

'What did he do this time?'

'Electrocuted himself in the name of unrequited attention.'

'He always was a needy bastard.'

'Give me one sane reason as to why you married this man.'

'The sex.'

Bernie folded her arms across her chest and gave her girlfriend a supercilious stare. She knew where Serena's loyalties lay.

'That was it.'

Serena's attempt to tease earned her a bum slap and a large glass of red at Albies.

Edward recovered enough to sneer at them as he left the next morning.

'Enjoy your dykey midlife crisis then, ladies. Don't come to me when you get bored of each other.'

Bernie scowled at him and got up, chewing gum aggressively.

'You're welcome by the way.'

'I'd tell you to go fuck yourself but you already attempted that and it didn't go well' interruped Serena haughtily. 'Next time try something stronger than de-fib pads.'

Bernie sat back down again and grinned. Edward left to a cacophony of jeers and hoots. Serena reflected that her ex-husband's defeat had never sounded better. One whiskey on the rocks and a large Shiraz well deserved.


End file.
